Tuesday, 25 January 2011

Things I'll Never Do

This is a blog that I may regret writing, as once I commit in print my list of things I promise to never do there is no escaping it, but hey ho in for a penny in for a pound and all that so here we go.

Cosmetic Surgery

In a world obsessed with celebrity, Botox and being size zero I feel that I might be alone in this one, but I will never succumb to cosmetic surgery. Not because I think I'm all that and a bag of chips, but because I believe that you should grow old gracefully and be happy with what you've got and if you don't like it change your hair, make-up and get to the gym. I'm aware that I am all boobs, bum and teeth (as my mum once not so kindly put it), but at least they're all mine, I don't want anybody injecting anything into my face, or sucking fat out of my thighs (no matter how much I want them to be thinner). So what if I get wrinkles at least you'll always be able to tell whether I'm happy/sad/angry etc and to quote The Black Eyed Peas I'm happy with all my “lady lumps”.

Stop Eating Chocolate

Other than at Lent when I give up chocolate each year (just because I am a secret sadist rather than religious). I will never, ever in a million years give up chocolate. I don't eat it every day but I do enjoy the taste of it's creamy goodness. Chocolate may be guilty of assisting with the lady lumps mentioned above but it has also helped me through break-ups, arguments, bad days at work, hangovers and much more, which is why I will never let it go.

Get a Capsule Wardrobe

Gok keeps on about it, the magazines keep on about it but if I am honest I don't want a bloody capsule wardrobe. From what I can gather a capsule wardrobe just requires a few key items that you can mix and match into numerous outfits. Where's the fun in that? I don't want to own only a few items of clothing. I like having more clothes than are necessary, I love that sometimes I find items in my wardrobe that I haven't seen for years (it feels like having something new without shopping). I have no desire to own only three pairs of shoes, why would I want only three pairs of shoes when I can have three pairs that are practically the same but in different colours? The fashion mags and Gok can carry on bleating about the capsule wardrobe but I don't think it'll ever catch on.

Ditch My Mates For A Bloke

I never have and never will be one of those people that ditches there mates for a bloke. I personally think there is room for both and anybody who does ditch their mates for a man is making a big mistake. I think we all know that mates stick around forever whereas blokes come and go (well unless your one of those smug people sitting reading this while snuggled up on the sofa with your first love from when you were 15).

All I need to say to prove my point is where is my first love from circa 1993? Who knows probably married with kids. Where are Helen Elmore (1985) Nina Cannon and Jodie Owen (1989) et al? That's right, still here. I rest my case.

And finally I will never stop living by the rule If I Can't Remember It, It didn't Happen

This one has got me out of loads of trouble. Seriously the things you can get away with due to alcohol induced amnesia are amazing, saying inappropriate things, decelerations of love, arguments (about absolute rubbish), getting into situations with unsuitable men etc. A whole array of misdemeanour's can be erased. The only thing I need to learn to do now is encourage everybody else to not be able to remember these things also.