The bad patient

I am writing this from my sick bed, well actually I am writing it from my sofa after watching Loose Women ( painful) and taking a variety of medicines, because it's official. I am poorly. I went to the doctors this morning and was told I had a severe case of Bronchitis, was prescribed a double dose of antibiotics and told to rest. What's the big deal you might think, but the big deal is, I don't do illness, it's just not on my radar.

For example I have been poorly for two weeks from losing my voice to having hot sweats and coughing like I smoke 40 a day, but still I went out twice at the weekend, saw my personal trainer and just generally tried to carry on as normal. Why I ask myself, why not just accept the illness and give into it?

It might be because as a kid my mother wasn't particularly sympathetic to illness (as in 'for God's sake Rebecca it's only mumps stop moaning'). Maybe it's because I rarely get ill (this is my second day off sick in four years). Possibly it's because I see illness as weakness (don't ask why, but when people have coughs and colds a little voice in my head tells them to 'man up'), also I am not very patient with sick people. I am not even patient with myself when I am sick, already after only a few hours off work I am thinking 'for goodness sake Beck get a grip a trip to the gym wouldn't hurt that much.' Don't worry there will be no gym activity my trainer was one of the people to tell me to get to a doctor.

As it stands I am not sure what to do with myself. Granted I don't feel fantastic but I am not sure how long I can lie on the sofa dosing and watching crap TV. Is this normal? I know there are people who take a sick day at the drop of a hat but I am not one of them. It's not even like I do it to be a martyr, I think it's just that sometimes I take my optimism too far, believing that if I just act like I'm not sick it won't happen, result epic fail.

What's worse is my motivation to go to the doctors didn't come from

1.The fact it hurts to breathe and I ache all over
2.My work colleagues getting sick and tired of my TB like cough
3.A couple of weeks of nagging from friends that I am not normally ill for such lengths of time


No, my motivation to get better has come in the guise of a very hot, funny, man who has said he will take me on a date on Thursday night if I get better. What sort of shallow person does this make me, if the only thing to inspire me on the road to wellness is the thought of drinks with a hot man and the fact that I can't have a hacking cough and red nose for such a date?

Oh well I am going to try and relax and use my road to recovery as time to sleep and decide what outfit to wear to dazzle the hottie when I am better.

The joy of getting older

Well it is the eve of my 33rd birthday and in true me style I am beside myself with excitement. I am sitting in my living room with presents and cards around the place and it is taking all the self-control I have not to just rip all the gorgeous shiny wrapping paper off. As anybody who knows me will know, I absolutely love birthdays. I love getting presents, I like seeing lots of people that I love, I enjoy getting spoilt, actually the list of things I enjoy about birthdays is endless.

Plus I have come to the conclusion that I am loving my 30's. I enjoyed my 20's but feel that my 30's have definitely been the best years so far. Things I love about being in my 30's:

1.I have learnt to say no
In my 20's I spent a lot of time doing things that I didn't really want to do. Going to places I didn't want to go and just generally pleasing other people more than I pleased myself. I've found that in my 30's I do this much less and for all my worries previously nobody has actually fallen out with me about it and I find that the things I do do I get much more enjoyment from.

2.Less body issues
In my teens and 20's I had a whole world of body issues. Bum and boobs too big, hair too wild, worrying that I had a bump in my nose (I still think this exists but nobody else can see it). In my 30's yes my boobs and bum are still too big (in my opinion) but I accept it, go to the gym and work on them but most importantly I've learnt to live with them and even like them a bit.

3.Knowing what I want
In my 20's I went out with some real unsavoury characters. In my 30's, when it comes to love I am not as willing to negotiate. I know what I want and have realised that in love some things aren't negotiable such as being honest, faithful, kind and having the ability to make me laugh. Areas that I am now willing to negotiate on that I wasn't in the past are, it's not important for a man to be the hottest man in the room especially if has nothing to say and that a six pack is nice but it won't make you laugh until you cry.

4.Not minding staying in on a Saturday
I used to hate staying in on a Saturday night. I had a constant feeling that I was missing something, after years of wasting money on rubbish nights out, I am now happy to just go out when I want to and if Saturday night is sometimes X-Factor, pizza and ice-cream then that's just fine with me.

5.Not caring what people think so much
I used to want everybody to like me, whether it was people I worked with, friends of friends, people's parents absolutely everyone. I also used to worry what people thought about the choices I made whether it be about men I chose to date or clothes I chose to wear. In my 30's I can honestly say I don't really care. Yes, I still want people to like me but, I'm not overly bothered if they don't and I have realised that I don't need everybody to agree with every decision I make, in fact I usually don't even need too much of their input as I do exactly what I want anyway.


So on that note I am going to sign off and look forward to celebrating being 33 and for all those people who don't like birthdays as they don't like getting older just relax and enjoy all the things you learn with each year. Plus, if you think about it, as much as you might not like getting older the alternative is a whole lot worse.

Things I'll Never Do

This is a blog that I may regret writing, as once I commit in print my list of things I promise to never do there is no escaping it, but hey ho in for a penny in for a pound and all that so here we go.

Cosmetic Surgery

In a world obsessed with celebrity, Botox and being size zero I feel that I might be alone in this one, but I will never succumb to cosmetic surgery. Not because I think I'm all that and a bag of chips, but because I believe that you should grow old gracefully and be happy with what you've got and if you don't like it change your hair, make-up and get to the gym. I'm aware that I am all boobs, bum and teeth (as my mum once not so kindly put it), but at least they're all mine, I don't want anybody injecting anything into my face, or sucking fat out of my thighs (no matter how much I want them to be thinner). So what if I get wrinkles at least you'll always be able to tell whether I'm happy/sad/angry etc and to quote The Black Eyed Peas I'm happy with all my “lady lumps”.

Stop Eating Chocolate

Other than at Lent when I give up chocolate each year (just because I am a secret sadist rather than religious). I will never, ever in a million years give up chocolate. I don't eat it every day but I do enjoy the taste of it's creamy goodness. Chocolate may be guilty of assisting with the lady lumps mentioned above but it has also helped me through break-ups, arguments, bad days at work, hangovers and much more, which is why I will never let it go.

Get a Capsule Wardrobe

Gok keeps on about it, the magazines keep on about it but if I am honest I don't want a bloody capsule wardrobe. From what I can gather a capsule wardrobe just requires a few key items that you can mix and match into numerous outfits. Where's the fun in that? I don't want to own only a few items of clothing. I like having more clothes than are necessary, I love that sometimes I find items in my wardrobe that I haven't seen for years (it feels like having something new without shopping). I have no desire to own only three pairs of shoes, why would I want only three pairs of shoes when I can have three pairs that are practically the same but in different colours? The fashion mags and Gok can carry on bleating about the capsule wardrobe but I don't think it'll ever catch on.

Ditch My Mates For A Bloke

I never have and never will be one of those people that ditches there mates for a bloke. I personally think there is room for both and anybody who does ditch their mates for a man is making a big mistake. I think we all know that mates stick around forever whereas blokes come and go (well unless your one of those smug people sitting reading this while snuggled up on the sofa with your first love from when you were 15).

All I need to say to prove my point is where is my first love from circa 1993? Who knows probably married with kids. Where are Helen Elmore (1985) Nina Cannon and Jodie Owen (1989) et al? That's right, still here. I rest my case.

And finally I will never stop living by the rule If I Can't Remember It, It didn't Happen

This one has got me out of loads of trouble. Seriously the things you can get away with due to alcohol induced amnesia are amazing, saying inappropriate things, decelerations of love, arguments (about absolute rubbish), getting into situations with unsuitable men etc. A whole array of misdemeanour's can be erased. The only thing I need to learn to do now is encourage everybody else to not be able to remember these things also.

Out with the old and in with the new

Now we have got Christmas out of the way I am making preparations for the most serious celebration and one of my favourite times of the year. Yes, it's New Year.

After some extensive research (well talking to various friends over drinks), it appears that I am alone in my love of New Year. The general consensus seems to be that it's over-rated and expensive, whereas for me it is something to be celebrated.

It's not that I particularly love New Years Eve (although I adore any excuse to get together with friends, drink one too many glasses of wine and kiss inappropriate men). No, what I love is the hope that New Years Eve brings. Being an eternal optimist new year fills me with excitement, even writing this I am getting butterflies about what 2011 might hold for me.

The joy for me with new year is that it feels like a fresh start. It's a great time to wipe the slate clean and start all over again. With a new year comes hope and optimism, all the crap from the previous year can be put to one side and a whole new adventure can begin. I also relish the prospect of the unknown.

Will 2011 be the year that I finally stick to a diet, go to the gym 5 days a week, manage to get some savings in the bank? Will it be the year that I meet the man of my dreams, could it be the year that footballers learn to keep it in their pants, and people realise Cheryl Cole's new hairstyle isn't actual news? Who knows?, but that's the brilliant thing about being on the brink of a new year the feeling that anything could happen.

I also love the fact that for about a week we live in a world full of good intentions. A typical conversation from the 1st till 7th January “Happy new year, have you made any resolutions?” “Yes I'm going to give up my job and do missionary work in Africa, funded by selling my shoe collection and the money saved from giving up smoking.” By the 31st January “How's the Africa planning going?” “Oh I gave up on that I realised I loved my shoes and fags too much and that nobody likes a quitter, so decided not to give anything up.”

There were loads of surprises for me in 2010, many of which I never saw coming but all worked out for the best in the end. I met some lovely people, made some new friends for life, had some great dates, learnt who my true friends are, discovered that I am a lot tougher and resilient than I ever realised. Gained more confidence and self belief in myself, stopped suffering fools, did some voluntary work which I loved, discovered a passion for blogging, started building a few bridges and cut a few ties, plus much more. Now if all that can happen in just 12 months it's impossible for me not to be excited about 2011.

New year is also a great time to say everything you wanted to say, so that the year starts on a good note. So, before the clock strikes midnight don't worry too much about the resolutions but see it as a time to make any apologies that need to be made, clear the air and tell people you love them (yes I know these will all be drunken calls and text, but it's the thought that counts).

As Big Ben chimes let's all raise a glass and make just one resolution; to make 2011 our happiest, healthiest and most successful year to date. I'll drink to that.

My Instructions For Life

In my flat I have a book called Life’s Little Instruction Book, which the author wrote for his son before he went to university. It is full of things you should do to make your life better, easier and happier. Whilst flicking through it the other day I got to thinking about what my instructions for life would be, so here they are, in no order of preference.

1. When it comes to romance if you like each other always give it a go. Don’t worry what other people think, don’t think about where it will lead and whether you’ll end up married with 2.4 children, don’t be worried by the superficial (are they hot enough, funny enough, clever enough etc). If you get on, fancy each other and enjoy spending time together, sod everybody else and go with the flow and see what happens. Who knows it could be the start of something beautiful and if not you’ll hopefully have fun and maybe they’ll have fit mates.


2. Nobody cares when you’re ill. Unless you are seriously ill nobody really gives a toss that you have a cold. When people ask how you are they don’t want a run down of all your symptoms and most of all if you’re that ill don’t be a martyr and turn up at work as nobody wants to hear it and most of all nobody wants to catch it.


3. A quick drink is rarely a quick drink. When invited for a ‘quick drink’ you should always be aware that this will more than likely result in a minimum of two drinks. It could ultimately end up as a night of carnage involving drinking, clubbing, kissing of inappropriate people, curry and maybe throwing up. The one thing it will rarely be is a ‘quick drink’


4. If you think you’re going to get screwed over, you probably are. As the saying goes ‘if it seems too good to be true it probably is.’ For example if a Nigerian Prince emails you asking for your bank details so he can deposit half a million pounds in there for safe keeping, chances are you’re going to end up stony broke, that is unless, you know a Nigerian Prince. Ok that’s pretty obvious, but you get the gist.


5. The only way to lose weight is too eat less and do more. I’m not really sure why so many people don’t understand this one. You can try all the miracle diets in the world but the sad truth is as much as most of us would love thinner thighs just by eating chocolate and sitting down, it ain’t gonna happen. I am not a great follower of eating less and doing more, but at least I know that’s what I need to do when I can be bothered to try and lose weight.


6. Only lend what you can afford to lose. My dad hasn’t given me much advice in life, but he did tell me this and boy was he right. Whether it’s money, clothes, your car, whatever if you can’t afford to lose it don’t lend it to anybody, because you don’t always get back what you lend to people, fact.


7. What you want and what you need are often two different things. I have a few examples of this I want enough spare money to buy a pair of Jimmy Choos, if/when I acquire the money what I need to do is pay a plumber to come in and sort out my bathroom. Example two, I want a man just like Jude Law, what I need is a man who will balance me a bit and not sleep with randoms behind my back (this unfortunately is not going to come in the form of Jude Law)


8. Know who your friends are. This one is important, but unfortunately it can take something bad to happen before you find out who they are. When the shit hits the fan (lose your job, somebody dies, big break up) take a look around and see who’s there helping you sort through the carnage and who scurries off into the background only to return when the mess is cleared up. Trust me most people will find acquaintances a plenty, but you can count your true (I mean the ones you can call at 3am on a Sunday morning) on one hand.


9. Give second chances, but not a third, fourth and fifth. Whether it’s a relationship or a friendship, always give people a second chance. We all mess up from time to time, we all say things we don’t mean and we all occasionally behave in ways we’re not proud of, so ultimately we all sometimes need a second chance. If somebody is brave enough to apologise and admit they were wrong, what’s not to forgive (well other than violence). The second chance could be the start of something great and a chance to clear the air. If things don’t change, don’t give a third chance, nobody respects a mug.


10. Tell the people you care about you love them. For me this is the most important one, as people don’t say it enough. There’s nothing worse than realising that somebody you cared about didn’t know it either because they have died or you have just lost touch. Even if the love isn’t returned nobody ever minds been told they’re loved (well unless it’s by a stalker type). So go out there people and spread the love.


So there you have it my instructions for life. What are yours?

Help I’m confused

I’m a relatively bright spark (although some may beg to differ), but even so there are some things in life that will always confuse me, things that no matter how hard I try I can never quite get my head round. So here I am sharing with you some of the things that leave me baffled in the hope that you’ll be able to shed some light on these situations for me.

Smelly People

Yuk, yuk, yuk I don't understand smelly people. Unless you have just taken part in a gruelling exercise regime there is no reason to smell, soap is cheap. Summer on the tube in London will lead to encountering numerous smelly guilty parties, as will festivals and some times sweaty nightclubs. One of the many things I dislike about smelly people is that they always make me suspect that it might be me that smells, leading me to do the surreptitious armpit sniff to ensure that my deodorant is working. Also I am not sure what the rules are with smelly people, can they smell themselves? Are you allowed to mention it? Can you give them soap as a gift?

Falling out of love

I'm sure we've all fallen out of love at some point but I don't understand how it happens. How one minute you can't stand to be apart, everything the other person says is amusing, they're the hottest thing ever, sex is amazing then at some point the doom descends and before you know it Mr/Mrs Right has become Mr/Mrs Annoying Pain in the arse.

One man I was once in love with led me to a £300 phone bill, both of us crying (lots) at a train station as he had to go and work in Scotland for two weeks (which seems a massive amount of time when even going to work seems painful as it interrupts your time together) and a 24 hour flight alone to Australia

Fast forward to four years later and the sound of him breathing in his sleep was enough to make me want to inflict physical pain on him and he decided that I was “a heartless bitch who had ruined his life”. We're both over it now and on speaking terms but I will never understand how we once couldn't stand to be apart and now are happy to live on other sides of the world. Explain?

Facial tattoos

I am more than partial to a man with tattoos, but I will never understand facial tattoos. What is the point? What makes somebody wake up on a morning and decide that the best way to express themselves that day is to get something permanently etched on their face? Do they do it to purposely look menacing? If so do they not realise that if a life of crime is the route they're planning to take then a facial tattoo might be a big give-away in a line up? Or is it simply the fact that they wake up one day, don't like what they see (I know this happens to me on many a Sunday morning) and decide that rather than deal with it they'll just cover it?

Mixed Messages from the opposite sex

The reason I don't understand mixed messages is because when it comes to dating and romance I either like you or I don't. If we get past date one (trust me many have failed), then I like you, if I reject you before date one or say no to date two this means I'm not interested. Simples.

Many people don't live by these rules which is where mixed messages come in. When it comes to mixed messages women are as bad as men. One male friend went out a few times with a girl he really liked, she then called it a day only to get back in touch a few months later claiming she wanted to be friends. Upon him meeting her again her behaviour was a little over friendly, a little glance here a little stroke of the leg there, a goodnight kiss that lingered a bit too long to be considered a friends kiss. He was left dazed and confused and she continued this charade until he got bored. What was her game, was she confused? Liked her ego massaging, what?

Or you go on a few dates, all the signs are good the compliments are flowing, you've been told you're amazing, gorgeous funny etc., then suddenly nothing or “I don't want to get involved” followed by staying in touch and been generally lovely, complimentary and funny but without any of the bedroom action. Hello what's that all about?

So there is my run down of things I will never understand. So if you're a smelly person, have facial tattoos, have fallen out of love and can explain why it happens or have deciphered the world of mixed messages do get in touch and put me out of my misery.

There was an old woman……

I've always claimed I don’t mind getting older (I think this may have been because people always think I am in my 20’s not 30’s). In recent weeks though, after discovering not one, not two but three grey hairs my stance on age has changed as I am horrified that this sudden sign of ageing is upon me. I feel that after all the years of Oil of Olay, eye creams and drinking 8 glasses of water a day the hairs on my head have betrayed me (which horrifies me after all the hours I have invested in washing them, brushing them, getting them cut and generally making them look nice-traitors).

Whilst contemplating what brand of hair dye to buy ( I am a dye virgin, so suggestions welcome) to cover the Judases of the hair world I began to ponder on the other signs I have noticed that I am getting old. To date these include:

Text Speak or Txt Spk

Can somebody explain this to me please, are we on Countdown and have to buy vowels nowadays because they appear to be in short supply and when people do use vowels they seem to decide to give up a few consonance, for example cud u pop 2 the shop ? Thx m8 gr8. What the hell is that all about? It infuriates me have people really forgotten how to spell or have they become so lazy that they can’t even be bothered to spell whole words or are we meant to believe they are so busy that they just don’t have time to type all the letters. If not understanding this is a sign of getting old then so be it I like my words full and complete.

I can’t drink

Ok the heading here is misleading, I can still drink and I can still drink as much as I did at 18 maybe even more, the difference is I now take about two days to recover. Gone are the days of drinking excessively and jumping out of bed fresh faced and perky ready for a 9am lecture followed by another session.

Now it is more a case of wake up on a Sunday morning, question when something died and crawled in my mouth and why somebody is tap dancing inside my head, roll over go back to sleep (or if I feel good take the duvet to the sofa). I then proceed to lie around all day contemplating whether I need to be sick, before finally being able to eat at around 8pm. Then it’s time for an early night and a Monday spent still not feeling 100 per cent with it.

This is definitely not something I suffered with when I was younger, I think it’s the body’s way of saying “Beck you’re too old for this hedonistic lifestyle, you need to slow down, buy some slippers and stay in watching TV on a Saturday night”. Unfortunately for my liver I have never been one to do as I am told.

Baggy Jeans

Personally I don’t put this one down to age but more a matter of having taste and style, but I will let you be the judge. I cannot stand baggy jeans, men walking around with the crotch of their jeans down to their knees showing off their pants. I don’t care if your pants are Armani or from down the market I don’t want to see them. I can’t understand why anybody would want their jeans that low and baggy (especially as they seem to spend all their time pulling them up as they have to stop them literally falling to their ankles). Like I say I think this is a style rather than age thing, that combined with the fact I like a man with a nice bum and if anything stops you been able to check out a bum then it’s baggy jeans.

Music on Public Transport

This one ignites a silent internal rage, there I am sitting on the train when suddenly my ears are filled with Eminem/Wu-Tang-Clan/Katy Perry/Coldplay or any other manner of music you can think of, as somebody decides that they would like to be the trains own personal DJ. “ Hello, I don’t want to listen to your music thank you very much I am reading my book and I know full well that that phone e with headphones so please plug them in and have a private party for your ears only.” Obviously I never say this for fear that I might get a mouthful of abuse or worse, but I have been known to administer the death stare a few times (scary stuff).

Swearing

I am not sure where this one comes from as I have been known to utter the odd expletive in my time and I believe that sometimes the odd swear word is needed so that people understand the full extent of the rage/what happened/or exactly what was said. I think it must be excessive or loud swearing that I have a problem with, people who swear every other word or seem to use the F word (or worse) quite loudly in public places or when children are around. I don’t remember always being so sensitive to swearing but now it makes me cringe so I can only put it down to age.

So there you have it the proof that no matter how much you spend on creams or the gym. No matter how much water you drink, no matter how many times you stay out partying until the early hours of the morning not only will your hair eventually betray you and reveal your true age so will your mind. It will turn on you and make you start thinking old people thoughts like the ones above. Although saying that if getting older means still spelling words in full and not wearing jeans that show my pants maybe I don’t mind getting older after all.