Tuesday, 30 November 2010

Help I’m confused

I’m a relatively bright spark (although some may beg to differ), but even so there are some things in life that will always confuse me, things that no matter how hard I try I can never quite get my head round. So here I am sharing with you some of the things that leave me baffled in the hope that you’ll be able to shed some light on these situations for me.

Smelly People

Yuk, yuk, yuk I don't understand smelly people. Unless you have just taken part in a gruelling exercise regime there is no reason to smell, soap is cheap. Summer on the tube in London will lead to encountering numerous smelly guilty parties, as will festivals and some times sweaty nightclubs. One of the many things I dislike about smelly people is that they always make me suspect that it might be me that smells, leading me to do the surreptitious armpit sniff to ensure that my deodorant is working. Also I am not sure what the rules are with smelly people, can they smell themselves? Are you allowed to mention it? Can you give them soap as a gift?

Falling out of love

I'm sure we've all fallen out of love at some point but I don't understand how it happens. How one minute you can't stand to be apart, everything the other person says is amusing, they're the hottest thing ever, sex is amazing then at some point the doom descends and before you know it Mr/Mrs Right has become Mr/Mrs Annoying Pain in the arse.

One man I was once in love with led me to a £300 phone bill, both of us crying (lots) at a train station as he had to go and work in Scotland for two weeks (which seems a massive amount of time when even going to work seems painful as it interrupts your time together) and a 24 hour flight alone to Australia

Fast forward to four years later and the sound of him breathing in his sleep was enough to make me want to inflict physical pain on him and he decided that I was “a heartless bitch who had ruined his life”. We're both over it now and on speaking terms but I will never understand how we once couldn't stand to be apart and now are happy to live on other sides of the world. Explain?

Facial tattoos

I am more than partial to a man with tattoos, but I will never understand facial tattoos. What is the point? What makes somebody wake up on a morning and decide that the best way to express themselves that day is to get something permanently etched on their face? Do they do it to purposely look menacing? If so do they not realise that if a life of crime is the route they're planning to take then a facial tattoo might be a big give-away in a line up? Or is it simply the fact that they wake up one day, don't like what they see (I know this happens to me on many a Sunday morning) and decide that rather than deal with it they'll just cover it?

Mixed Messages from the opposite sex

The reason I don't understand mixed messages is because when it comes to dating and romance I either like you or I don't. If we get past date one (trust me many have failed), then I like you, if I reject you before date one or say no to date two this means I'm not interested. Simples.

Many people don't live by these rules which is where mixed messages come in. When it comes to mixed messages women are as bad as men. One male friend went out a few times with a girl he really liked, she then called it a day only to get back in touch a few months later claiming she wanted to be friends. Upon him meeting her again her behaviour was a little over friendly, a little glance here a little stroke of the leg there, a goodnight kiss that lingered a bit too long to be considered a friends kiss. He was left dazed and confused and she continued this charade until he got bored. What was her game, was she confused? Liked her ego massaging, what?

Or you go on a few dates, all the signs are good the compliments are flowing, you've been told you're amazing, gorgeous funny etc., then suddenly nothing or “I don't want to get involved” followed by staying in touch and been generally lovely, complimentary and funny but without any of the bedroom action. Hello what's that all about?

So there is my run down of things I will never understand. So if you're a smelly person, have facial tattoos, have fallen out of love and can explain why it happens or have deciphered the world of mixed messages do get in touch and put me out of my misery.

Saturday, 13 November 2010

There was an old woman……

I've always claimed I don’t mind getting older (I think this may have been because people always think I am in my 20’s not 30’s). In recent weeks though, after discovering not one, not two but three grey hairs my stance on age has changed as I am horrified that this sudden sign of ageing is upon me. I feel that after all the years of Oil of Olay, eye creams and drinking 8 glasses of water a day the hairs on my head have betrayed me (which horrifies me after all the hours I have invested in washing them, brushing them, getting them cut and generally making them look nice-traitors).

Whilst contemplating what brand of hair dye to buy ( I am a dye virgin, so suggestions welcome) to cover the Judases of the hair world I began to ponder on the other signs I have noticed that I am getting old. To date these include:

Text Speak or Txt Spk

Can somebody explain this to me please, are we on Countdown and have to buy vowels nowadays because they appear to be in short supply and when people do use vowels they seem to decide to give up a few consonance, for example cud u pop 2 the shop ? Thx m8 gr8. What the hell is that all about? It infuriates me have people really forgotten how to spell or have they become so lazy that they can’t even be bothered to spell whole words or are we meant to believe they are so busy that they just don’t have time to type all the letters. If not understanding this is a sign of getting old then so be it I like my words full and complete.

I can’t drink

Ok the heading here is misleading, I can still drink and I can still drink as much as I did at 18 maybe even more, the difference is I now take about two days to recover. Gone are the days of drinking excessively and jumping out of bed fresh faced and perky ready for a 9am lecture followed by another session.

Now it is more a case of wake up on a Sunday morning, question when something died and crawled in my mouth and why somebody is tap dancing inside my head, roll over go back to sleep (or if I feel good take the duvet to the sofa). I then proceed to lie around all day contemplating whether I need to be sick, before finally being able to eat at around 8pm. Then it’s time for an early night and a Monday spent still not feeling 100 per cent with it.

This is definitely not something I suffered with when I was younger, I think it’s the body’s way of saying “Beck you’re too old for this hedonistic lifestyle, you need to slow down, buy some slippers and stay in watching TV on a Saturday night”. Unfortunately for my liver I have never been one to do as I am told.

Baggy Jeans

Personally I don’t put this one down to age but more a matter of having taste and style, but I will let you be the judge. I cannot stand baggy jeans, men walking around with the crotch of their jeans down to their knees showing off their pants. I don’t care if your pants are Armani or from down the market I don’t want to see them. I can’t understand why anybody would want their jeans that low and baggy (especially as they seem to spend all their time pulling them up as they have to stop them literally falling to their ankles). Like I say I think this is a style rather than age thing, that combined with the fact I like a man with a nice bum and if anything stops you been able to check out a bum then it’s baggy jeans.

Music on Public Transport

This one ignites a silent internal rage, there I am sitting on the train when suddenly my ears are filled with Eminem/Wu-Tang-Clan/Katy Perry/Coldplay or any other manner of music you can think of, as somebody decides that they would like to be the trains own personal DJ. “ Hello, I don’t want to listen to your music thank you very much I am reading my book and I know full well that that phone e with headphones so please plug them in and have a private party for your ears only.” Obviously I never say this for fear that I might get a mouthful of abuse or worse, but I have been known to administer the death stare a few times (scary stuff).


I am not sure where this one comes from as I have been known to utter the odd expletive in my time and I believe that sometimes the odd swear word is needed so that people understand the full extent of the rage/what happened/or exactly what was said. I think it must be excessive or loud swearing that I have a problem with, people who swear every other word or seem to use the F word (or worse) quite loudly in public places or when children are around. I don’t remember always being so sensitive to swearing but now it makes me cringe so I can only put it down to age.

So there you have it the proof that no matter how much you spend on creams or the gym. No matter how much water you drink, no matter how many times you stay out partying until the early hours of the morning not only will your hair eventually betray you and reveal your true age so will your mind. It will turn on you and make you start thinking old people thoughts like the ones above. Although saying that if getting older means still spelling words in full and not wearing jeans that show my pants maybe I don’t mind getting older after all.