Help I’m confused

I’m a relatively bright spark (although some may beg to differ), but even so there are some things in life that will always confuse me, things that no matter how hard I try I can never quite get my head round. So here I am sharing with you some of the things that leave me baffled in the hope that you’ll be able to shed some light on these situations for me.

Smelly People

Yuk, yuk, yuk I don't understand smelly people. Unless you have just taken part in a gruelling exercise regime there is no reason to smell, soap is cheap. Summer on the tube in London will lead to encountering numerous smelly guilty parties, as will festivals and some times sweaty nightclubs. One of the many things I dislike about smelly people is that they always make me suspect that it might be me that smells, leading me to do the surreptitious armpit sniff to ensure that my deodorant is working. Also I am not sure what the rules are with smelly people, can they smell themselves? Are you allowed to mention it? Can you give them soap as a gift?

Falling out of love

I'm sure we've all fallen out of love at some point but I don't understand how it happens. How one minute you can't stand to be apart, everything the other person says is amusing, they're the hottest thing ever, sex is amazing then at some point the doom descends and before you know it Mr/Mrs Right has become Mr/Mrs Annoying Pain in the arse.

One man I was once in love with led me to a £300 phone bill, both of us crying (lots) at a train station as he had to go and work in Scotland for two weeks (which seems a massive amount of time when even going to work seems painful as it interrupts your time together) and a 24 hour flight alone to Australia

Fast forward to four years later and the sound of him breathing in his sleep was enough to make me want to inflict physical pain on him and he decided that I was “a heartless bitch who had ruined his life”. We're both over it now and on speaking terms but I will never understand how we once couldn't stand to be apart and now are happy to live on other sides of the world. Explain?

Facial tattoos

I am more than partial to a man with tattoos, but I will never understand facial tattoos. What is the point? What makes somebody wake up on a morning and decide that the best way to express themselves that day is to get something permanently etched on their face? Do they do it to purposely look menacing? If so do they not realise that if a life of crime is the route they're planning to take then a facial tattoo might be a big give-away in a line up? Or is it simply the fact that they wake up one day, don't like what they see (I know this happens to me on many a Sunday morning) and decide that rather than deal with it they'll just cover it?

Mixed Messages from the opposite sex

The reason I don't understand mixed messages is because when it comes to dating and romance I either like you or I don't. If we get past date one (trust me many have failed), then I like you, if I reject you before date one or say no to date two this means I'm not interested. Simples.

Many people don't live by these rules which is where mixed messages come in. When it comes to mixed messages women are as bad as men. One male friend went out a few times with a girl he really liked, she then called it a day only to get back in touch a few months later claiming she wanted to be friends. Upon him meeting her again her behaviour was a little over friendly, a little glance here a little stroke of the leg there, a goodnight kiss that lingered a bit too long to be considered a friends kiss. He was left dazed and confused and she continued this charade until he got bored. What was her game, was she confused? Liked her ego massaging, what?

Or you go on a few dates, all the signs are good the compliments are flowing, you've been told you're amazing, gorgeous funny etc., then suddenly nothing or “I don't want to get involved” followed by staying in touch and been generally lovely, complimentary and funny but without any of the bedroom action. Hello what's that all about?

So there is my run down of things I will never understand. So if you're a smelly person, have facial tattoos, have fallen out of love and can explain why it happens or have deciphered the world of mixed messages do get in touch and put me out of my misery.